o wells, life goes on i guess.
its hard to feel or show happiness when i feel terribly alone.i wonder if its the pms.
but o wells.
its kinda like hard to really get on with my social life, and im turnin into a recluse.
its worse when ur boyfriend whom i rely heavily on for some sense of security n self assurance is somewhere far with nonsensical phone bills and wadnots.
somehow or other sum weird sense of insecurity kicks in,
and i feel so much alone.
and yet, i guess if we apply wad we learnt from lit,
this emptiness reigns in all,
and its a matter of whether or not u detect it,
which is o so depressing.
its tiring getting on with my mundane everyday life,
flooded with work,
that i dunno howta begin.
i feel so hedda gabbler,
sulks.
on the bright side,
the lit test and nation building papers went pretty well,
ok the results were kinda average since everyone scored pretty high.
so its up to soci now,
o ya,
and.....
my two projects,
three essays,
one reflection,
one upcoming lecture test.
my schedule frightens me a little.
ok not a little.
A HELL LOT.
and i miss my boyfriend, its kinda like, a dependency, which is bad, im feeding my insecurites,
sometimes i get confused,
i wonder what love is,
and whether im in love,
or in dependency.
i wish i could make up my mind,
and stick with it.
one way or another,
i miss him,
i miss you.
i hate the fact that i feel inadequate.
the fact that i cant show people how much i treasure them.
i kinda find it hard to hug anyone for that matter,
kids i can do easily, but either then that, i feel a tad of abstainment from hugs.
the open ur arms n dive urself in sort.
and if u eva doubt that i love you,
maybe i do,
maybe i doubt you love me back too,
coz im too sick of being loved a little less,
and i cant afford opening up to anyone who might possess that potential to make me feel
loved, a little less.
guess thats why, i tell people i love them,
(not much to you)
but to people in general,
and im so afraid of kids feeling loved less,
coz then they might grow up like me,
with that constant sense and dread of being lesser, lesser and lesser loved.
because love is what really sustains and consumes everything,
no?
but when i tell you that i love you, though rare, i really do, cause somewhere within me, i took that little risk to be loved back fully, and not any little less.
thats why its scary, to know that one day, u might stop loving me, but i will never know.
its too early to say forever, but whats the harm in a little promise of assurance that might well last me that little longer, before the next breakdown.
